Well living with this free mentality from so long and treated as equal till now by my family and friends, its now that I know it was my good luck. To have got such a good family culture. For I have seen so many families with girls treated as well what shall I say? Lesser.
In my childhood I was very much offended when anyone used to tell that its the boy of the family who is of any assistance to the family and can bring name, fame and honor, when he grows up. Girls are meant to go to other homes, they are 'paraya dhan' or something. I hated this word. Well I decided from long, I would learn much, will earn much, would create difference and make my parents proud and would be capable of helping them in old age and would prove everyone that their perception is wrong. Girl's are equally competent and of help to their parents. But then I saw its not one case, its the plague of our entire societal thread.
Forget about the vast majority of women who are not given opportunity of education and earning livelihood, who are repeatedly a victim of domestic violence, who have only their bearing capacity to drive them through the life of dependent assaulted neglected being. Its impossible to mention the plight of women in India- across all the strata- only the form differs but its very much existent and prevalent. They are secondary by the Patriarchical society, an entity whose voice doesn't matters, whose duty is to do everything and keep their mouth shut. We have heard of cases where tribal or rural women are gang raped by the decision body as an act of vindication. They are horrible facets. But not even middle and upper classes are free from this bias. Daily sexual abuses on the roads and offices is a norm than an exception. But these cases only bring shame to the girl's family, hence never reported. Even if it is, justice will take centuries to come. So nobody bothers to waste their time but bear and try to forget and protect them from the world.
I don't say situation is not better than before. Ofcourse it is that's why I can write this without worrying about the reaction. The education for girls has definitely improved. They are working more than before and almost all kinds of role you find a few girls. They have managed to have their presence felt and at times even appreciated by one and all in clear terms, despite all the hinderances. That's the reason we can breathe, hear, and feel free and be hopeful. But its the end of it. All the girls learn the tips to carry through in the society without being noticed or being targeted to well let's say evil things. The tips don't ensure your safety and well-being but they definitely help and are bare minimum requirement to follow before you step out. Its not written as guidelines but from mother to daughter or from friends and common understanding its passed and followed and propagated. All working girls carry sole responsibility of managing day to day chores. Even while working equally hard at jobs. They have to bear with the opinions of so many who feel "house should not be neglected" even though you leave your career mid-way. Sometimes I think two working hands earn more, that's the major motivation that they are allowed to work in most of the home's. Still before stepping out of home, you need to ensure you are with some big group or male to be protected from so called eve-teasing. The form of which is beyond teasing ofcourse. You have to bear with silly remarks and perceptions thrown at you every now and then. And in the face of it too you need to shun your outspokenness, as in don't go and argue with them, it won't do any good and you might land in trouble, you see.
I wonder how many boys are broad minded enough to lend a helping hand to their wife on daily basis, let her grow in her career, stand for her with his family and society. Help her in house keeping and plan life together, take decisions actually with her opinion as well, won't try to control how she spends money she earns, would be understanding that her family is still hers and she can belong to both without contention and prioritizing , respect her as a equal human and live life as equals. I don't think there are many. So who is to blame? The educated girls, their mothers, the educated boys, his parents or the society? Decide and tell.Its not an individual, its a collective perception. I am sure there would be many exceptions, but rule is Indian society still promotes and lives in a biased environment. Educated girls are just a way of pretending we are so open -minded and have equal opportunities. You see the " statistics of promotions, how many girls are not given equal opportunities of growth in jobs, you see how many girls take jobs too lesser than their competence so that they can full time do their homely duties", how many ultra successful ladies, leave their career midway to look after the kid or if the husband is not comfortable with them working and call it a compromise, worth it", or why? Ofcourse that's their primary role. Rest is just for fanning their whims. There is no such term as individualism for girls, you see. They are to be in some role and portray it as expected (read stereotype) and being done from generations. You would wonder how many people will label me anti-Indian culture ideals, for writing this. To all those claimants I have more essence of Indian culture in me than you would ever care to learn and incorporate. What you carry in the name of culture is the stale part handed down to you with all the inhuman elements crept in its deteriorating phase from generations.
Oh few of the elite of you create hue and cry, if a well educated girl takes to her so called duties of "being in the kitchen" and "taking care of the household", "sacrificing her career as per her husband's changing cities". Well let me tell you the other side of the story, of why girls, the educated girls too give in. Because if they cling on to the things they want to do in life, in their career and hobbies , what they visualize as living life. It is interpreted as "not available for full time home care". The outspokenness won't give them easy ride, in Indian society . Each girl has to learn all the homely girlishness. Learn to think her career can go to hell. An average job is the best shot, no job related ambitions and no dreams of creating difference, should now be entertained. Her wishes should take back burner and she should readily compromise on all fronts. In short leave all your wishes to be labelled "an ideal girl for Indian marriage market". And ofcourse marriage is a full stop of life for most of the educated girls as well. It is not because of cowardice, its because of need to keep all tension free and happy and the faith on our self that maybe we can fit in, if we try real hard. The easiest solution.
I feel really terrible of this custom that the girl side needs to give dowry to the guys, or call them gift's because its our culture. Forget about happiness, wish, need just because Some guy is marrying a girl, her parents need to invest most of their savings in the marriage ceremony. Ofcourse even if she is equally qualified and can earn equal to anyone or even if she is way better than the guy she is marrying. Is she been sold or something, good riddance and its the greatness of guy to keep her for rest of her life, isn't marriage supposed to be two people starting their life together ?Isn't it something which has to do with love, care, respect, equality for them both, with the blessings of all ? Then where in comes this money business. But then how does it matters. All wanna put a blind eye for what it stands. And we all love the celebrations and lavishness associated with weddings, don't we. So lets leave it at that. Then there are n number of stupid covers for this so called "The big fat Indian Wedding" custom.
Though I know I might have painted this worse than what it is. But see its my perception from what I have seen all around, statistically more prevalent, almost a norm .Just like corruption is reality for us today, its everywhere, we go and shout slogans, hold a candle march and next day get the slip of bills required forged and pink slip for attendance made from some doctor friend. And get the tenders and orders and promotions and jobs by money under the table. Likewise Bias towards girls is reality of Indian society, you dig whichever strata and whatever realms its there and in varied forms. Sugar coated, often in gentle words, in the name of respect for girls as devi's or something, but it still stands intact. I am yet to meet a guy who has never told me girls are dumb, as if guys are all very smart, as if dumbness has anything to do with gender. And then their are many who quote Manu with all those "ill- habits" of girls like they are talkative, can't keep a secret, etc etc. as if these are traits specific to girls. I wonder who the hell Manu was and who the hell are his brainless followers. Why don't you do a proper survey and get the facts and then talk. But this shit talk seems so funny to them and they take so much pride of all this information.
Well its basically raw data, with bias of generations in it, its definitely no information as its useless blabber. And they keep pouring it every now and then. Having been with so many boys of my age and always finding myself better than most of them, it really seems to me, to be some kind of talk to please themselves by the incompetent. But lets leave my "feminist self" to myself.
The virtue and vices are found in all humans, atleast nature has no bias.. I have seen guys stupid, talkative, jerks and what not...but then generalization would be absurdity. And all have some great traits as well, you turn a blind eye to good and generalize the few traits of some. Foolish will be foolish no matter which gender you belong to. But I would be really pleased to see a real equality based Indian society. Just that its not just boys, or uncles or Aunties, its girls like us who give in their stands, to follow the line, to please their Parents, who are equally responsible. So any change needs to happen at all ends.
In my childhood I was very much offended when anyone used to tell that its the boy of the family who is of any assistance to the family and can bring name, fame and honor, when he grows up. Girls are meant to go to other homes, they are 'paraya dhan' or something. I hated this word. Well I decided from long, I would learn much, will earn much, would create difference and make my parents proud and would be capable of helping them in old age and would prove everyone that their perception is wrong. Girl's are equally competent and of help to their parents. But then I saw its not one case, its the plague of our entire societal thread.
Forget about the vast majority of women who are not given opportunity of education and earning livelihood, who are repeatedly a victim of domestic violence, who have only their bearing capacity to drive them through the life of dependent assaulted neglected being. Its impossible to mention the plight of women in India- across all the strata- only the form differs but its very much existent and prevalent. They are secondary by the Patriarchical society, an entity whose voice doesn't matters, whose duty is to do everything and keep their mouth shut. We have heard of cases where tribal or rural women are gang raped by the decision body as an act of vindication. They are horrible facets. But not even middle and upper classes are free from this bias. Daily sexual abuses on the roads and offices is a norm than an exception. But these cases only bring shame to the girl's family, hence never reported. Even if it is, justice will take centuries to come. So nobody bothers to waste their time but bear and try to forget and protect them from the world.
I don't say situation is not better than before. Ofcourse it is that's why I can write this without worrying about the reaction. The education for girls has definitely improved. They are working more than before and almost all kinds of role you find a few girls. They have managed to have their presence felt and at times even appreciated by one and all in clear terms, despite all the hinderances. That's the reason we can breathe, hear, and feel free and be hopeful. But its the end of it. All the girls learn the tips to carry through in the society without being noticed or being targeted to well let's say evil things. The tips don't ensure your safety and well-being but they definitely help and are bare minimum requirement to follow before you step out. Its not written as guidelines but from mother to daughter or from friends and common understanding its passed and followed and propagated. All working girls carry sole responsibility of managing day to day chores. Even while working equally hard at jobs. They have to bear with the opinions of so many who feel "house should not be neglected" even though you leave your career mid-way. Sometimes I think two working hands earn more, that's the major motivation that they are allowed to work in most of the home's. Still before stepping out of home, you need to ensure you are with some big group or male to be protected from so called eve-teasing. The form of which is beyond teasing ofcourse. You have to bear with silly remarks and perceptions thrown at you every now and then. And in the face of it too you need to shun your outspokenness, as in don't go and argue with them, it won't do any good and you might land in trouble, you see.
I wonder how many boys are broad minded enough to lend a helping hand to their wife on daily basis, let her grow in her career, stand for her with his family and society. Help her in house keeping and plan life together, take decisions actually with her opinion as well, won't try to control how she spends money she earns, would be understanding that her family is still hers and she can belong to both without contention and prioritizing , respect her as a equal human and live life as equals. I don't think there are many. So who is to blame? The educated girls, their mothers, the educated boys, his parents or the society? Decide and tell.Its not an individual, its a collective perception. I am sure there would be many exceptions, but rule is Indian society still promotes and lives in a biased environment. Educated girls are just a way of pretending we are so open -minded and have equal opportunities. You see the " statistics of promotions, how many girls are not given equal opportunities of growth in jobs, you see how many girls take jobs too lesser than their competence so that they can full time do their homely duties", how many ultra successful ladies, leave their career midway to look after the kid or if the husband is not comfortable with them working and call it a compromise, worth it", or why? Ofcourse that's their primary role. Rest is just for fanning their whims. There is no such term as individualism for girls, you see. They are to be in some role and portray it as expected (read stereotype) and being done from generations. You would wonder how many people will label me anti-Indian culture ideals, for writing this. To all those claimants I have more essence of Indian culture in me than you would ever care to learn and incorporate. What you carry in the name of culture is the stale part handed down to you with all the inhuman elements crept in its deteriorating phase from generations.
Oh few of the elite of you create hue and cry, if a well educated girl takes to her so called duties of "being in the kitchen" and "taking care of the household", "sacrificing her career as per her husband's changing cities". Well let me tell you the other side of the story, of why girls, the educated girls too give in. Because if they cling on to the things they want to do in life, in their career and hobbies , what they visualize as living life. It is interpreted as "not available for full time home care". The outspokenness won't give them easy ride, in Indian society . Each girl has to learn all the homely girlishness. Learn to think her career can go to hell. An average job is the best shot, no job related ambitions and no dreams of creating difference, should now be entertained. Her wishes should take back burner and she should readily compromise on all fronts. In short leave all your wishes to be labelled "an ideal girl for Indian marriage market". And ofcourse marriage is a full stop of life for most of the educated girls as well. It is not because of cowardice, its because of need to keep all tension free and happy and the faith on our self that maybe we can fit in, if we try real hard. The easiest solution.
I feel really terrible of this custom that the girl side needs to give dowry to the guys, or call them gift's because its our culture. Forget about happiness, wish, need just because Some guy is marrying a girl, her parents need to invest most of their savings in the marriage ceremony. Ofcourse even if she is equally qualified and can earn equal to anyone or even if she is way better than the guy she is marrying. Is she been sold or something, good riddance and its the greatness of guy to keep her for rest of her life, isn't marriage supposed to be two people starting their life together ?Isn't it something which has to do with love, care, respect, equality for them both, with the blessings of all ? Then where in comes this money business. But then how does it matters. All wanna put a blind eye for what it stands. And we all love the celebrations and lavishness associated with weddings, don't we. So lets leave it at that. Then there are n number of stupid covers for this so called "The big fat Indian Wedding" custom.
Though I know I might have painted this worse than what it is. But see its my perception from what I have seen all around, statistically more prevalent, almost a norm .Just like corruption is reality for us today, its everywhere, we go and shout slogans, hold a candle march and next day get the slip of bills required forged and pink slip for attendance made from some doctor friend. And get the tenders and orders and promotions and jobs by money under the table. Likewise Bias towards girls is reality of Indian society, you dig whichever strata and whatever realms its there and in varied forms. Sugar coated, often in gentle words, in the name of respect for girls as devi's or something, but it still stands intact. I am yet to meet a guy who has never told me girls are dumb, as if guys are all very smart, as if dumbness has anything to do with gender. And then their are many who quote Manu with all those "ill- habits" of girls like they are talkative, can't keep a secret, etc etc. as if these are traits specific to girls. I wonder who the hell Manu was and who the hell are his brainless followers. Why don't you do a proper survey and get the facts and then talk. But this shit talk seems so funny to them and they take so much pride of all this information.
Well its basically raw data, with bias of generations in it, its definitely no information as its useless blabber. And they keep pouring it every now and then. Having been with so many boys of my age and always finding myself better than most of them, it really seems to me, to be some kind of talk to please themselves by the incompetent. But lets leave my "feminist self" to myself.
The virtue and vices are found in all humans, atleast nature has no bias.. I have seen guys stupid, talkative, jerks and what not...but then generalization would be absurdity. And all have some great traits as well, you turn a blind eye to good and generalize the few traits of some. Foolish will be foolish no matter which gender you belong to. But I would be really pleased to see a real equality based Indian society. Just that its not just boys, or uncles or Aunties, its girls like us who give in their stands, to follow the line, to please their Parents, who are equally responsible. So any change needs to happen at all ends.
The society is like a network of strings tied together with one end of each string attached to several others and while the other end is loose....
ReplyDeleteYou hold that loose end of yours as your parents, your 'would be' and his parents hold their's; if one end lets it go the other should, ideally, compensate the tension to maintain and co-exist. But our society's ideology lies in forcing 'your' end to give-up and let loose and thereafter observes its affect in the society's MACROS. The 'Delhi Case' was an example of perverts, in all possibilities, coming from families that decide to give-up on the 'SHE' ends.
Well, long story short- Don't give up at the end you hold. For if you do, it will result in changes that neither you, your family or the society later would be able to cope up with. A firm stand and a change today shall be hard but still the best thing to do.
You have seen exceptions....then be one yourself. Its always right to be right than to be among the majority and be wrong.
I have seen my set of exceptions as well and they give me enough power and thoughts to appreciate and understand the vitality of a Woman's contribution to a family and the society at large, but doing what she wishes, by choosing freely, by following her will. I am born to one such lady, lucky me.
And of course, please excuse me to SPAM in plenty here...though I've always been a silent reader otherwise.
~I appreciate your mind-manthan, keep blogging.
Well I am not sure if I got u completely, and I really was not commenting on crimes against women which itself is such a huge issue in our society. But yes the point I wanted to make was the bias still exists and in a very bitter form almost like a chain, where one factor leads to another and the bias goes on as such.. in whatever name "custom", "culture", "perception", "society", "trend" ... noone spares a competent girl also, forget about those who had to face discrimination even in education and hence become dependent for most of their life..
DeleteAnd thanks for reading the blog :)